It takes one dream, one thought, one song, for everything to come back to me. And those dreams and thoughts occur a lot more often than I would like to admit.
My questions is:
When does one forget and move on?
3 years is a long time to think about one person. It is a long time to love someone. It is also a long time to be stuck in one place without being able to move on.But is all in my head? Is it all my imagination? Some weird, twisted comfort zone?
Because how can you still love the same person for so long without being loved back?
Is it because I cannot get hurt? Because I know loving him won’t hurt me anymore?
I am in sort some of limbo state where I am just existing without being able to move forward.
I feel like I am locked in the room with no locks. Like there is no way I can escape. And this is how my head and heart feel.
Deep down inside me, I know this is all wrong and I should be able to move on from that person. But I have never really got a closure. I never really heard the words ‘I don’t love you’. Those were the words I only every wanted to hear. Some girls want to hear they are loved and adored. I just wanted to hear that I am not loved so I could easily move on.
But I never did. Although I have asked. I have asked about feelings, liking me, but I never, ever got a full answer. So I just stopped talking. It has been 6 months since I have not spoken to him. And he never really bothered to me make an effort to speak to me either. That should speak for itself. ‘I don’t love you’.
But it doesn’t. Because our friendship was meaningful, because I knew what he is like and that is why I didn’t complain to him. Because I knew we had something there and maybe it was a lot from my side, there was also something from his. What it was from his? I still don’t know.
I cherish all of my memories I had made with him, and all those monthly meetings, all our conversations that I still replay in my head. I miss all those.
And even though right now I am sitting and thinking of talking to him, I know I cannot do it. Because if I do, I’ll never be able to get out and I never really got over him. But I feel like I need a closure, from him. So I can finally move on. So I can finally set myself free. I feel like there is nothing more I want than to hear the words ‘I don’t love you, I never have’.
I know that with those words I would finally be at peace and truly happy.