Uncategorized

We all need a day off.

I was in London over the weekend. When I was on the tube travelling to my hotel, I was looking at the people around me. The whole tube was a mixture of Londoners and the tourists.

Londoners looking bored, living their mundane lives. The tourists were all happy, looking through the maps, probably talking where to go next and how to get there.
But what really made me wonder is how happy are they when they are back home, back to their mundane lives? Are they stressed, do they like their jobs, do they have enough love, do they feel enough happiness?

Those questions led me to question my own life. The life that I love so much but I do not appreciate enough. I often flick through Instagram photos thinking how jealous I am of some women and men looking and living perfect lives. And then I was looking through my own profile thinking my life also looks the same way as theirs, I am just in a different situation. I have photos of myself with my friends, from parties, gatherings, inspirational quotes. It looks like I am living my life to the fullest. But am I?

On social media, I am. Snapchat, Instagram… I am feeding off likes, views, comments, wanting for people to notice my life! My perfect life! I have pictures of smoothies, work outs, fun times, or coffee dates.

But then when I wake up in the morning, I am going to my mundane office job, I stress over small things like my life depends on it. I, then leave work at 6pm and come home, and I am rejecting any offers to hang out after work because I cannot be bothered. I am trying not to do a lot over the weekend because I am feeling too tired. I do not drink a lot of smoothies, I lack a lot of vitamins, I often feel dizzy, I am also pale, my hair falls out, and my nails are brittle. I work out couple of times a month paying for the gym membership I don’t even use. I have started studying to be an English teacher abroad however I had stopped excusing myself I cannot afford it anymore. I took out credit cards and I have blown off that money quickly and now I am losing sleep over the money, however I am still spending a lot.

That is the naked truth about me. I  suffer from stress, anxiety, and I have become anti-social. I always plan my life ahead and not fulfilling any of the goals I had set myself.

So I needed a day off. A day off from my life, spending half a day in bed feeling sorry for myself ,and crying my little heart out.
And then it hit me… What am I actually doing?! I am feeling sorry for myself? But for what? For having a good job? For my stupidity when I was younger?
We live, and we learn. And I can learn from my mistakes, I can plan my spending better, and close the accounts I have with credit card providers. I can start learning a new routine with the healthy lifestyle. Force myself to accomplish those goals.  I can start afresh!
I am young and single! I have so many possibilities so why am I not living the dream? Why am I being so lazy to the point I start to avoid my own friends, and family?

So I’ve had an epiphany in my bed. I got up, I cleaned my room, and changed my bed sheets. I have also made myself coffee and felt the inner peace. I have realised I cannot blame anyone for my failures, I cannot excuse myself and my own behaviour because of my hypothyroidism. I cannot be miserable and lose my youth over stress.

Because work passes and no matter where I work, it will always be stressful and bad at some point. But I do get to go home at the end of the day. I have wonderful family who have never failed me. I have amazing friends who are there when I need them.

I have so many people, and things to be grateful for. I have a lot to learn in life, but I think the most important thing is that I learn how to live my life.

So I have got up this morning, I had my day off, and I am ready to live again.

Advertisements
Uncategorized

Alive.

When a baby is born, it doesn’t know what is ahead of its life. When this tiny life is brought to its life, this baby is covered in safe cloud of innocence and freedom. Its beautiful little cries, and smiles, safe in mothers arms, is not aware that one day it will be stripped from its innocence and will face making choices.

As we grow up, we make mistakes. Numerous mistakes, and it is always up to us whether we decide to learn from them, and not repeat them. We also meet all kinds of people on our path, and those people sometimes stay with us, and some people sometimes leave. We go through periods of ages, trying to identify ourselves, find what we are always looking for, and always meet expectations, whether they’re others’ or our own. We set the bar high and we are always trying to jump over it and set it even higher. We put so much into our lives that we simply forget to… breathe.

I have recently started reminiscing my past.I have started thinking of all the the moments that had happened and how some of those things led me to where I am now. And I am not only talking about my own choices, but also other people’s choices that had had a huge impact on my own life. And that is when I have started thinking ‘but what if…?’.

Those thoughts were not pretty. Those thoughts often led to me endlessly crying into my pillow at night. ‘What ifs’ have made my life a battle for the past few weeks, given me constant headaches, no sleep, and stress, and most of all made me neglect my ‘now’.

I kept thinking about how instead of handing something to my late grandmother, I threw it to her disrespectfully, and I remember my mum telling me off. I don’t know why this particular memory has struck me but I remember crying so much and regretting what I had done. I also remember my grandmother comforting me and telling nothing has happened. To this day, I still regret throwing it at her, but what would have happened if I didn’t?

Another time when I was a moody teenager, my mother asked me to take our dog for a walk. I was so angry that I had to do it, I tried to chase her away from me, throwing sticks at our beautiful dogs and just breaking down in tears thinking to myself ‘what am I doing?’, but my dog still came back to me and loved me and comforted me knowing i was not happy. I regret doing this and thinking ‘what if i didn’t do this?’.

I remember having those arguments with my mother and saying all those hurtful things and thinking ‘what if i didn’t say those words to her?’. I still say some hurtful words to my own, amazing mother who gives me unconditional love and think to myself ‘what if I was a different person?’.

I remember not visiting my own father too often even though we lived so close. And how much I regret not making effort to visit my own father who gas gifted me with this life. ‘What if I made an effort?’.

I remember my own cousin coming to visit my on a holiday, and not taking him to a party for his birthday because I was sulking. ‘What if I just put my own selfishness aside?’.

I remember being back home for winter break from college and saying that I will visit my great grandmother next time I’m down. Couple of weeks later, she died.  ‘What if I visited her?’.

I remember saying all those hurtful words to the boy I loved so dearly. All those words that would hurt any young teenage boy. He got married to someone else yesterday. ‘What if I was actually nice to him and told him how I was feeling?’

There are many more moments, stories that filled me up with so much regret. Those moments break my heart into pieces. But those moments shaped me to be a different person today. Those moments taught me to be a better person, and to work on myself. To visit and speak to my family often because you only have one family in our lives. And time is ticking. Nobody is ever around forever. People come, and people go.
I have also realised that I cannot change the past and the choices I have made. Because yes, I have made those choices and every single of them was stripping me of my innocence, shaping me in a way, leading to a certain path in my life.
If any of those things would have happened differently, I wouldn’t be sitting on my bed right now, sipping a cuppa, taking a breather.

Because I got up yesterday and I have decided enough is enough. That I have to start being alive, to start breathing deeply, to respect and love more. I know I cannot neglect my ‘now’ and forget my ‘future’ because of the past. Past stays in there, and it can’t creep up to you if you don’t let it. If you learn to let go, if you just stand still for a moment and breathe. That is when you realise you are free, and that innocence is still there in you. It’s never completely gone, we just have to dig deeper for it, but we find it eventually.

Whatever is the future going to bring me, I’ll accept it with open arms. Because I know it’ll all be based on my choices. How my ‘now’ is shaped by my past, that is how my ‘future’ will be shaped by ‘now’.

So let’s live, laugh, sing, dance and love!

 

Uncategorized

Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.

Uncategorized

‘I don’t love you’

It takes one dream, one thought, one song, for everything to come back to me. And those dreams and thoughts occur a lot more often than I would like to admit.

My questions is:
When does one forget and move on?

3 years is a long time to think about one person. It is a long time to love someone. It is also a long time to be stuck in one place without being able to move on.But is all in my head? Is it all my imagination? Some weird, twisted comfort zone?
Because how can you still love the same person for so long without being loved back?
Is it because I cannot get hurt? Because I know loving him won’t hurt me anymore?
I am in sort some of limbo state where I am just existing without being able to move forward.
I feel like I am locked in the room with no locks. Like there is no way I can escape. And this is how my head and heart feel.

Deep down inside me, I know this is all wrong and I should be able to move on from that person. But I have never really got a closure. I never really heard the words ‘I don’t love you’. Those were the words I only every wanted to hear. Some girls want to hear they are loved and adored. I just wanted to hear that I am not loved so I could easily move on.

But I never did. Although I have asked. I have asked about feelings, liking me, but I never, ever got a full answer. So I just stopped talking. It has been 6 months since I have not spoken to him. And he never really bothered to me make an effort to speak to me either. That should speak for itself. ‘I don’t love you’.

But it doesn’t. Because our friendship was meaningful, because I knew what he is like and that is why I didn’t complain to him. Because I knew we had something there and maybe it was a lot from my side, there was also something from his. What it was from his? I still don’t know.

I cherish all of my memories I had made with him, and all those monthly meetings, all our conversations that I still replay in my head. I miss all those.

And even though right now I am sitting and thinking of talking to him, I know I cannot do it. Because if I do, I’ll never be able to get out and I never really got over him. But I feel like I need a closure, from him. So I can finally move on. So I can finally set myself free. I feel like there is nothing more I want  than to hear the words ‘I don’t love you, I never have’.
I know that with those words I would finally be at peace and truly happy.