I have lost myself.

It is hard to fall in love with somebody else. It is hard to learn to love once you have loved one person for a long time.

Whenever I went on a date I had already known it is not going to work out and I will be fine with it.

I sometimes envy some of my friends who are in relationships. Because I am still dating. And my dating period never lasts more than a month.
Sometimes I just think how I should have settled down a lot earlier as I am starting to become a leftover woman. I am becoming a woman is now over 25 years of age and does not even have a boyfriend.

I am weirdly fine with this. I am fine with being single, and I am fine with not being married nor having kids. In fact, the idea of being married or having kids makes me want to vomit. Yes, I might have some commitment issues. And yes, I get weird looks when I say it out loud. Because how a woman can say that the idea of a marriage or having kids put her off? But it does it to me. Even the thought of trying to commit to someone and become ‘one person’ with the other human being scares me.

Relationships scare me. Loving and being loved by someone scare me, too. And it is a fear that is hard to let go because it stops you from falling in love. And that person can be the most caring and genuine but it just doesn’t work for you. The words ‘I love you’ make you want to run away and never see them again. Cuddles make you shiver and not in a good way. Gentle kisses make your stomach twist in knots like before some sort of school exam.

I envy my friends because they make it look so easy to love someone and to accept someone else’s love. I envy my friends because they can overcome their fears and they just go for it.

I am a nearly 27 year old woman who may be considered a leftover woman who is playing games until late night on the PlayStation or reads books until her eyes give on her.

I forget that I am getting older and I do feel like I am still the same 20 year old girl with no worries in life.

Sometimes the reality hits me hard and makes me realise that maybe I need to hurry up and marry myself off. Because loneliness can also be scary.
How ironic is to feel scared of commitment but also to be scared of lonliness?

Because I feel lonely. A lot of the time, that is why I play games with my online friends. It stops me from thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am so terrified of being with someone and being in a relationship. I often ask myself a question if it is normal to be happy when you end your fling? To feel relived that it is over and you don’t have to be emotionally involved with someone anymore? That this is all over and you are free again. You are free but yet alone.

But for tonight, I am holding on to my fears and live with them because if it’s hard for me to battle them, I may as well embrace them.


And we light up the sky.

It is when silence surrounds us, we come to realise things. It is when we start thinking, we come to know the truth. The truth that we always deny.

Humans often don’t want to admit they were wrong, and most of all, they don’t want to admit that it was all in their heads. We are weird like that. We keep lying to ourselves and pretend that everything is okay. We convince others and ourselves that someone loves us, we have a great job, we are happy in a relationship, we don’t argue with parents, we have money, we live our lives to the fullest.

People have different coping mechanisms. Some lock themselves down and strain from any contact with anybody, some keep themselves so busy that when they finally go to sleep, they don’t have to think and fall asleep, sleeping through dreamless nights.

We often watch the clock wishing the time would go faster. Then we wish the time wouldn’t go as fast and it could just slow down. Other times we simply wish to go back in time. We live through our lives, ageing slowly, panicking about the time. Thinking how it’s running away from us, slipping through our fingers. When we realise we haven’t done anything with our lives, or we have done something that we now regret. How we do the job that we hate, how only we had gone for one holiday in 5 years. How we live our mundane lives every day, every night, feeling the monotony of it.

There also come a pressure of other people succeeding more than we do, having a family before us, joining the university late in the years where we thought we were too old but they did it anyway, going on holidays few times a year, buying better clothes, having more money. We end up thinking how others have better lives, how can they live that. We often ask ourselves ‘why can’t we have ‘that’ life?’.

I stood by the window today and whilst I was waiting for the kettle to be ready, I looked outside the window. The silence surrounded me and it felt good. The whole flat was still. There were no cars outside, no birds chirping, no neighbours talking. It was just myself and silence. That is when I have started thinking about my upcoming birthday. How I am going to be 26 this year. But instead of thinking ‘what have I done with my life, why am I still single, why am I like this, why am I so behind?’, I have started thinking about silly song from my teenage years, and my first love. How I had loved that boy, how I struggled to cope with every day life because he didn’t love me back. I had remembered his blond hair, always bleached in the summer (his head looking like a light bulb), his tanned skin and crooked legs. I had remembered his beautiful eyes that were deeper than the colour of an ocean protected by those long, and black eyelashes. I had started reminiscing some of the memories of us, what we had been through together, how we come to hate and then like each other, how we had so much fun, yet so lot of drama. Those memories made me smile. I have kept humming the song that reminds me of him, looking at the birds flying outside. I have thought how stressed I was with my life, and how unnecessary that stress was.
I have once again come to love that leafless tree in front of the block, how the sun was warming my pale face, and I have come to love those memories that had occurred over 10 years ago.

That was when I have realised that maybe I will never be able to turn that screaming voice in my head, that maybe I will have to pretended a lot of times that everything is okay, but I do know that I am happy. And I am happy with my life although there are a lot of things in my life that don’t make me happy.
But those small memories have left such a big mark in my soul, that he has left such mark behind him. And maybe I don’t love him anymore, and he is happy with a girl of his dreams, I know that those memories of him have turned down that screaming voice in my head. Because maybe he isn’t here, but the memory of him still gives me comfort that I need in the darkest times.

I know that I am not behind others. I am also know that I am not worse than others. And that others are not worse, nor behind me.That I don’t have to feel pressured about being socially accepted, that I don’t need to start a family right away, I don’t have to know what exactly I want to do with my life, and I don’t have to be with someone for the sake of it, I don’t have to love or be loved to fill the emptiness because I was the one to create it. And I am the only one who can destroy it.

I know that I walk through life in my own pace, and when the times is right, all the pieces will fall into place and I will have a clear picture.