I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.
I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.
However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.
When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.
I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.
So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.
We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.
But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.
So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.
And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.
I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.
It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.
I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.
I am free, and I am finally happy.