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We all need a day off.

I was in London over the weekend. When I was on the tube travelling to my hotel, I was looking at the people around me. The whole tube was a mixture of Londoners and the tourists.

Londoners looking bored, living their mundane lives. The tourists were all happy, looking through the maps, probably talking where to go next and how to get there.
But what really made me wonder is how happy are they when they are back home, back to their mundane lives? Are they stressed, do they like their jobs, do they have enough love, do they feel enough happiness?

Those questions led me to question my own life. The life that I love so much but I do not appreciate enough. I often flick through Instagram photos thinking how jealous I am of some women and men looking and living perfect lives. And then I was looking through my own profile thinking my life also looks the same way as theirs, I am just in a different situation. I have photos of myself with my friends, from parties, gatherings, inspirational quotes. It looks like I am living my life to the fullest. But am I?

On social media, I am. Snapchat, Instagram… I am feeding off likes, views, comments, wanting for people to notice my life! My perfect life! I have pictures of smoothies, work outs, fun times, or coffee dates.

But then when I wake up in the morning, I am going to my mundane office job, I stress over small things like my life depends on it. I, then leave work at 6pm and come home, and I am rejecting any offers to hang out after work because I cannot be bothered. I am trying not to do a lot over the weekend because I am feeling too tired. I do not drink a lot of smoothies, I lack a lot of vitamins, I often feel dizzy, I am also pale, my hair falls out, and my nails are brittle. I work out couple of times a month paying for the gym membership I don’t even use. I have started studying to be an English teacher abroad however I had stopped excusing myself I cannot afford it anymore. I took out credit cards and I have blown off that money quickly and now I am losing sleep over the money, however I am still spending a lot.

That is the naked truth about me. I  suffer from stress, anxiety, and I have become anti-social. I always plan my life ahead and not fulfilling any of the goals I had set myself.

So I needed a day off. A day off from my life, spending half a day in bed feeling sorry for myself ,and crying my little heart out.
And then it hit me… What am I actually doing?! I am feeling sorry for myself? But for what? For having a good job? For my stupidity when I was younger?
We live, and we learn. And I can learn from my mistakes, I can plan my spending better, and close the accounts I have with credit card providers. I can start learning a new routine with the healthy lifestyle. Force myself to accomplish those goals.  I can start afresh!
I am young and single! I have so many possibilities so why am I not living the dream? Why am I being so lazy to the point I start to avoid my own friends, and family?

So I’ve had an epiphany in my bed. I got up, I cleaned my room, and changed my bed sheets. I have also made myself coffee and felt the inner peace. I have realised I cannot blame anyone for my failures, I cannot excuse myself and my own behaviour because of my hypothyroidism. I cannot be miserable and lose my youth over stress.

Because work passes and no matter where I work, it will always be stressful and bad at some point. But I do get to go home at the end of the day. I have wonderful family who have never failed me. I have amazing friends who are there when I need them.

I have so many people, and things to be grateful for. I have a lot to learn in life, but I think the most important thing is that I learn how to live my life.

So I have got up this morning, I had my day off, and I am ready to live again.

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Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.