I have lost myself.

It is hard to fall in love with somebody else. It is hard to learn to love once you have loved one person for a long time.

Whenever I went on a date I had already known it is not going to work out and I will be fine with it.

I sometimes envy some of my friends who are in relationships. Because I am still dating. And my dating period never lasts more than a month.
Sometimes I just think how I should have settled down a lot earlier as I am starting to become a leftover woman. I am becoming a woman is now over 25 years of age and does not even have a boyfriend.

I am weirdly fine with this. I am fine with being single, and I am fine with not being married nor having kids. In fact, the idea of being married or having kids makes me want to vomit. Yes, I might have some commitment issues. And yes, I get weird looks when I say it out loud. Because how a woman can say that the idea of a marriage or having kids put her off? But it does it to me. Even the thought of trying to commit to someone and become ‘one person’ with the other human being scares me.

Relationships scare me. Loving and being loved by someone scare me, too. And it is a fear that is hard to let go because it stops you from falling in love. And that person can be the most caring and genuine but it just doesn’t work for you. The words ‘I love you’ make you want to run away and never see them again. Cuddles make you shiver and not in a good way. Gentle kisses make your stomach twist in knots like before some sort of school exam.

I envy my friends because they make it look so easy to love someone and to accept someone else’s love. I envy my friends because they can overcome their fears and they just go for it.

I am a nearly 27 year old woman who may be considered a leftover woman who is playing games until late night on the PlayStation or reads books until her eyes give on her.

I forget that I am getting older and I do feel like I am still the same 20 year old girl with no worries in life.

Sometimes the reality hits me hard and makes me realise that maybe I need to hurry up and marry myself off. Because loneliness can also be scary.
How ironic is to feel scared of commitment but also to be scared of lonliness?

Because I feel lonely. A lot of the time, that is why I play games with my online friends. It stops me from thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am so terrified of being with someone and being in a relationship. I often ask myself a question if it is normal to be happy when you end your fling? To feel relived that it is over and you don’t have to be emotionally involved with someone anymore? That this is all over and you are free again. You are free but yet alone.

But for tonight, I am holding on to my fears and live with them because if it’s hard for me to battle them, I may as well embrace them.



When a baby is born, it doesn’t know what is ahead of its life. When this tiny life is brought to its life, this baby is covered in safe cloud of innocence and freedom. Its beautiful little cries, and smiles, safe in mothers arms, is not aware that one day it will be stripped from its innocence and will face making choices.

As we grow up, we make mistakes. Numerous mistakes, and it is always up to us whether we decide to learn from them, and not repeat them. We also meet all kinds of people on our path, and those people sometimes stay with us, and some people sometimes leave. We go through periods of ages, trying to identify ourselves, find what we are always looking for, and always meet expectations, whether they’re others’ or our own. We set the bar high and we are always trying to jump over it and set it even higher. We put so much into our lives that we simply forget to… breathe.

I have recently started reminiscing my past.I have started thinking of all the the moments that had happened and how some of those things led me to where I am now. And I am not only talking about my own choices, but also other people’s choices that had had a huge impact on my own life. And that is when I have started thinking ‘but what if…?’.

Those thoughts were not pretty. Those thoughts often led to me endlessly crying into my pillow at night. ‘What ifs’ have made my life a battle for the past few weeks, given me constant headaches, no sleep, and stress, and most of all made me neglect my ‘now’.

I kept thinking about how instead of handing something to my late grandmother, I threw it to her disrespectfully, and I remember my mum telling me off. I don’t know why this particular memory has struck me but I remember crying so much and regretting what I had done. I also remember my grandmother comforting me and telling nothing has happened. To this day, I still regret throwing it at her, but what would have happened if I didn’t?

Another time when I was a moody teenager, my mother asked me to take our dog for a walk. I was so angry that I had to do it, I tried to chase her away from me, throwing sticks at our beautiful dogs and just breaking down in tears thinking to myself ‘what am I doing?’, but my dog still came back to me and loved me and comforted me knowing i was not happy. I regret doing this and thinking ‘what if i didn’t do this?’.

I remember having those arguments with my mother and saying all those hurtful things and thinking ‘what if i didn’t say those words to her?’. I still say some hurtful words to my own, amazing mother who gives me unconditional love and think to myself ‘what if I was a different person?’.

I remember not visiting my own father too often even though we lived so close. And how much I regret not making effort to visit my own father who gas gifted me with this life. ‘What if I made an effort?’.

I remember my own cousin coming to visit my on a holiday, and not taking him to a party for his birthday because I was sulking. ‘What if I just put my own selfishness aside?’.

I remember being back home for winter break from college and saying that I will visit my great grandmother next time I’m down. Couple of weeks later, she died.  ‘What if I visited her?’.

I remember saying all those hurtful words to the boy I loved so dearly. All those words that would hurt any young teenage boy. He got married to someone else yesterday. ‘What if I was actually nice to him and told him how I was feeling?’

There are many more moments, stories that filled me up with so much regret. Those moments break my heart into pieces. But those moments shaped me to be a different person today. Those moments taught me to be a better person, and to work on myself. To visit and speak to my family often because you only have one family in our lives. And time is ticking. Nobody is ever around forever. People come, and people go.
I have also realised that I cannot change the past and the choices I have made. Because yes, I have made those choices and every single of them was stripping me of my innocence, shaping me in a way, leading to a certain path in my life.
If any of those things would have happened differently, I wouldn’t be sitting on my bed right now, sipping a cuppa, taking a breather.

Because I got up yesterday and I have decided enough is enough. That I have to start being alive, to start breathing deeply, to respect and love more. I know I cannot neglect my ‘now’ and forget my ‘future’ because of the past. Past stays in there, and it can’t creep up to you if you don’t let it. If you learn to let go, if you just stand still for a moment and breathe. That is when you realise you are free, and that innocence is still there in you. It’s never completely gone, we just have to dig deeper for it, but we find it eventually.

Whatever is the future going to bring me, I’ll accept it with open arms. Because I know it’ll all be based on my choices. How my ‘now’ is shaped by my past, that is how my ‘future’ will be shaped by ‘now’.

So let’s live, laugh, sing, dance and love!



Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.


Chicken Curry.

I have finally sat down after a very busy day today.

Well, it hasn’t been that busy but it surely seemed like it because I only got up around noon time. (always happens when someone disturbs my sleep; I am looking at you, Mum).

I had my driving lesson and I must say I am finally pretty confident with my driving abilities and hopefully I am going to pass my test real soon.

Today’s post will be a recipe of homemade curry that I had been making for ages. Please don’t ask what type of curry it, it is just a curry. I usually go with the flow.

Prep: as I am cooking
Cooking time: 45 mins (max)
Portions: 3 females (we don’t eat that much!)
Spicy level: unfortunately not spicy  at all (I am looking at you again, Mum)
Level: easy to cook (if I can cook it, anybody can)

2 chicken breasts (chopped)
1 white onion
1/2 red onion
1 and 1/2 red peppers
2 garlic cloves
cardamom seeds (3-4)
soy sauce
naan bread (I haven’t made those but bought them instead)


I have prepared all the ingredients so when I am making it, I won’t miss anything.

20170103_180555 I need only a wok pan for the curry and normal frying pan for the chicken.

20170103_180718I have chopped 2 chicken breasts and used 1/4 of tea spoon of salt and black pepper and marinated it in soy sauce. I have put it on the side to marinate for a while so I moved on to preparing vegetables for my curry.

20170103_181059I have heat up a frying pan with vegetable oil (don’t put too much because it’s going to be too oily).

I have then chopped 1 and 1/2 red peppers (you don’t have to chop them small, it is up to you and how you prefer it, I have medium chops). I have then placed the peppers on the frying pan and added filtered water (our water supply is awful so we always use Brita filters). I have then covered it and let it steam.

My next step was to prepare the rice. I have added 2,5 cups of rice and 4 cups of water. Make sure you wash your rice before cooking it! 

I have then turned my rice cooker on so I could have gone back to cooking rest of my curry.


I have then chopped 1 white and 1/2 red onions and added it to my peppers. I have added some more water, covered it and let it slow cook again. Remember, small fire.

20170103_183046It is finally the time to cook our chicken on the other frying pan.

Whilst the chicken is cooking, I have started preparing spices I was going to add to my curry. ( 1/2 tsp marjoram, 3 cardamom seeds, 1 tsp cumin, 1tsp turmeric, and 2 grated garlic cloves) I have then I have mashed it all together.

20170103_182936I have added to the vegetables chicken broth (I have chopped it into 6 squares) and I have added a pinch of salt and black pepper. Cook it for another 5 minutes or so.


After the chicken is cooked, add it to the vegetables. Add all the spiced and let it cook for another 10/15 minutes.

This is the naan bread I had bought and I have cooked in the pre-heated over (180 degrees) for 8 minutes.

20170103_183956Rice is ready and fluffy. How I like it.


I have cooked my curry for 15 minutes and added some coriander and let it cook for another 5 minutes.


Now everything is cooked and ready to eat. Like I have said, this curry is not spicy, you can play with salt and pepper. We don’t eat too salty in our house so I didn’t use much. However you cook it, it is totally up to you.
If I were cooking for myself only, I’d be breathing fire cause I’d add chilli paste and chillies.

If you make it, let me know how it went and how it tastes like. I do recommend adding chillies for the spiciness. 


This is another beautiful day from my life.

Inspirational quote of the day:

“…no one is born a great cook, one learns by doing.”
Julia Child, My Life in France