It is hard to fall in love with somebody else. It is hard to learn to love once you have loved one person for a long time.
Whenever I went on a date I had already known it is not going to work out and I will be fine with it.
I sometimes envy some of my friends who are in relationships. Because I am still dating. And my dating period never lasts more than a month.
Sometimes I just think how I should have settled down a lot earlier as I am starting to become a leftover woman. I am becoming a woman is now over 25 years of age and does not even have a boyfriend.
I am weirdly fine with this. I am fine with being single, and I am fine with not being married nor having kids. In fact, the idea of being married or having kids makes me want to vomit. Yes, I might have some commitment issues. And yes, I get weird looks when I say it out loud. Because how a woman can say that the idea of a marriage or having kids put her off? But it does it to me. Even the thought of trying to commit to someone and become ‘one person’ with the other human being scares me.
Relationships scare me. Loving and being loved by someone scare me, too. And it is a fear that is hard to let go because it stops you from falling in love. And that person can be the most caring and genuine but it just doesn’t work for you. The words ‘I love you’ make you want to run away and never see them again. Cuddles make you shiver and not in a good way. Gentle kisses make your stomach twist in knots like before some sort of school exam.
I envy my friends because they make it look so easy to love someone and to accept someone else’s love. I envy my friends because they can overcome their fears and they just go for it.
I am a nearly 27 year old woman who may be considered a leftover woman who is playing games until late night on the PlayStation or reads books until her eyes give on her.
I forget that I am getting older and I do feel like I am still the same 20 year old girl with no worries in life.
Sometimes the reality hits me hard and makes me realise that maybe I need to hurry up and marry myself off. Because loneliness can also be scary.
How ironic is to feel scared of commitment but also to be scared of lonliness?
Because I feel lonely. A lot of the time, that is why I play games with my online friends. It stops me from thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am so terrified of being with someone and being in a relationship. I often ask myself a question if it is normal to be happy when you end your fling? To feel relived that it is over and you don’t have to be emotionally involved with someone anymore? That this is all over and you are free again. You are free but yet alone.
But for tonight, I am holding on to my fears and live with them because if it’s hard for me to battle them, I may as well embrace them.