Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.

‘I don’t love you’

It takes one dream, one thought, one song, for everything to come back to me. And those dreams and thoughts occur a lot more often than I would like to admit.

My questions is:
When does one forget and move on?

3 years is a long time to think about one person. It is a long time to love someone. It is also a long time to be stuck in one place without being able to move on.But is all in my head? Is it all my imagination? Some weird, twisted comfort zone?
Because how can you still love the same person for so long without being loved back?
Is it because I cannot get hurt? Because I know loving him won’t hurt me anymore?
I am in sort some of limbo state where I am just existing without being able to move forward.
I feel like I am locked in the room with no locks. Like there is no way I can escape. And this is how my head and heart feel.

Deep down inside me, I know this is all wrong and I should be able to move on from that person. But I have never really got a closure. I never really heard the words ‘I don’t love you’. Those were the words I only every wanted to hear. Some girls want to hear they are loved and adored. I just wanted to hear that I am not loved so I could easily move on.

But I never did. Although I have asked. I have asked about feelings, liking me, but I never, ever got a full answer. So I just stopped talking. It has been 6 months since I have not spoken to him. And he never really bothered to me make an effort to speak to me either. That should speak for itself. ‘I don’t love you’.

But it doesn’t. Because our friendship was meaningful, because I knew what he is like and that is why I didn’t complain to him. Because I knew we had something there and maybe it was a lot from my side, there was also something from his. What it was from his? I still don’t know.

I cherish all of my memories I had made with him, and all those monthly meetings, all our conversations that I still replay in my head. I miss all those.

And even though right now I am sitting and thinking of talking to him, I know I cannot do it. Because if I do, I’ll never be able to get out and I never really got over him. But I feel like I need a closure, from him. So I can finally move on. So I can finally set myself free. I feel like there is nothing more I want  than to hear the words ‘I don’t love you, I never have’.
I know that with those words I would finally be at peace and truly happy.

 

 

And we light up the sky.

It is when silence surrounds us, we come to realise things. It is when we start thinking, we come to know the truth. The truth that we always deny.

Humans often don’t want to admit they were wrong, and most of all, they don’t want to admit that it was all in their heads. We are weird like that. We keep lying to ourselves and pretend that everything is okay. We convince others and ourselves that someone loves us, we have a great job, we are happy in a relationship, we don’t argue with parents, we have money, we live our lives to the fullest.

People have different coping mechanisms. Some lock themselves down and strain from any contact with anybody, some keep themselves so busy that when they finally go to sleep, they don’t have to think and fall asleep, sleeping through dreamless nights.

We often watch the clock wishing the time would go faster. Then we wish the time wouldn’t go as fast and it could just slow down. Other times we simply wish to go back in time. We live through our lives, ageing slowly, panicking about the time. Thinking how it’s running away from us, slipping through our fingers. When we realise we haven’t done anything with our lives, or we have done something that we now regret. How we do the job that we hate, how only we had gone for one holiday in 5 years. How we live our mundane lives every day, every night, feeling the monotony of it.

There also come a pressure of other people succeeding more than we do, having a family before us, joining the university late in the years where we thought we were too old but they did it anyway, going on holidays few times a year, buying better clothes, having more money. We end up thinking how others have better lives, how can they live that. We often ask ourselves ‘why can’t we have ‘that’ life?’.

I stood by the window today and whilst I was waiting for the kettle to be ready, I looked outside the window. The silence surrounded me and it felt good. The whole flat was still. There were no cars outside, no birds chirping, no neighbours talking. It was just myself and silence. That is when I have started thinking about my upcoming birthday. How I am going to be 26 this year. But instead of thinking ‘what have I done with my life, why am I still single, why am I like this, why am I so behind?’, I have started thinking about silly song from my teenage years, and my first love. How I had loved that boy, how I struggled to cope with every day life because he didn’t love me back. I had remembered his blond hair, always bleached in the summer (his head looking like a light bulb), his tanned skin and crooked legs. I had remembered his beautiful eyes that were deeper than the colour of an ocean protected by those long, and black eyelashes. I had started reminiscing some of the memories of us, what we had been through together, how we come to hate and then like each other, how we had so much fun, yet so lot of drama. Those memories made me smile. I have kept humming the song that reminds me of him, looking at the birds flying outside. I have thought how stressed I was with my life, and how unnecessary that stress was.
I have once again come to love that leafless tree in front of the block, how the sun was warming my pale face, and I have come to love those memories that had occurred over 10 years ago.

That was when I have realised that maybe I will never be able to turn that screaming voice in my head, that maybe I will have to pretended a lot of times that everything is okay, but I do know that I am happy. And I am happy with my life although there are a lot of things in my life that don’t make me happy.
But those small memories have left such a big mark in my soul, that he has left such mark behind him. And maybe I don’t love him anymore, and he is happy with a girl of his dreams, I know that those memories of him have turned down that screaming voice in my head. Because maybe he isn’t here, but the memory of him still gives me comfort that I need in the darkest times.

I know that I am not behind others. I am also know that I am not worse than others. And that others are not worse, nor behind me.That I don’t have to feel pressured about being socially accepted, that I don’t need to start a family right away, I don’t have to know what exactly I want to do with my life, and I don’t have to be with someone for the sake of it, I don’t have to love or be loved to fill the emptiness because I was the one to create it. And I am the only one who can destroy it.

I know that I walk through life in my own pace, and when the times is right, all the pieces will fall into place and I will have a clear picture.