Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.

‘I don’t love you’

It takes one dream, one thought, one song, for everything to come back to me. And those dreams and thoughts occur a lot more often than I would like to admit.

My questions is:
When does one forget and move on?

3 years is a long time to think about one person. It is a long time to love someone. It is also a long time to be stuck in one place without being able to move on.But is all in my head? Is it all my imagination? Some weird, twisted comfort zone?
Because how can you still love the same person for so long without being loved back?
Is it because I cannot get hurt? Because I know loving him won’t hurt me anymore?
I am in sort some of limbo state where I am just existing without being able to move forward.
I feel like I am locked in the room with no locks. Like there is no way I can escape. And this is how my head and heart feel.

Deep down inside me, I know this is all wrong and I should be able to move on from that person. But I have never really got a closure. I never really heard the words ‘I don’t love you’. Those were the words I only every wanted to hear. Some girls want to hear they are loved and adored. I just wanted to hear that I am not loved so I could easily move on.

But I never did. Although I have asked. I have asked about feelings, liking me, but I never, ever got a full answer. So I just stopped talking. It has been 6 months since I have not spoken to him. And he never really bothered to me make an effort to speak to me either. That should speak for itself. ‘I don’t love you’.

But it doesn’t. Because our friendship was meaningful, because I knew what he is like and that is why I didn’t complain to him. Because I knew we had something there and maybe it was a lot from my side, there was also something from his. What it was from his? I still don’t know.

I cherish all of my memories I had made with him, and all those monthly meetings, all our conversations that I still replay in my head. I miss all those.

And even though right now I am sitting and thinking of talking to him, I know I cannot do it. Because if I do, I’ll never be able to get out and I never really got over him. But I feel like I need a closure, from him. So I can finally move on. So I can finally set myself free. I feel like there is nothing more I want ┬áthan to hear the words ‘I don’t love you, I never have’.
I know that with those words I would finally be at peace and truly happy.