It is when silence surrounds us, we come to realise things. It is when we start thinking, we come to know the truth. The truth that we always deny.
Humans often don’t want to admit they were wrong, and most of all, they don’t want to admit that it was all in their heads. We are weird like that. We keep lying to ourselves and pretend that everything is okay. We convince others and ourselves that someone loves us, we have a great job, we are happy in a relationship, we don’t argue with parents, we have money, we live our lives to the fullest.
People have different coping mechanisms. Some lock themselves down and strain from any contact with anybody, some keep themselves so busy that when they finally go to sleep, they don’t have to think and fall asleep, sleeping through dreamless nights.
We often watch the clock wishing the time would go faster. Then we wish the time wouldn’t go as fast and it could just slow down. Other times we simply wish to go back in time. We live through our lives, ageing slowly, panicking about the time. Thinking how it’s running away from us, slipping through our fingers. When we realise we haven’t done anything with our lives, or we have done something that we now regret. How we do the job that we hate, how only we had gone for one holiday in 5 years. How we live our mundane lives every day, every night, feeling the monotony of it.
There also come a pressure of other people succeeding more than we do, having a family before us, joining the university late in the years where we thought we were too old but they did it anyway, going on holidays few times a year, buying better clothes, having more money. We end up thinking how others have better lives, how can they live that. We often ask ourselves ‘why can’t we have ‘that’ life?’.
I stood by the window today and whilst I was waiting for the kettle to be ready, I looked outside the window. The silence surrounded me and it felt good. The whole flat was still. There were no cars outside, no birds chirping, no neighbours talking. It was just myself and silence. That is when I have started thinking about my upcoming birthday. How I am going to be 26 this year. But instead of thinking ‘what have I done with my life, why am I still single, why am I like this, why am I so behind?’, I have started thinking about silly song from my teenage years, and my first love. How I had loved that boy, how I struggled to cope with every day life because he didn’t love me back. I had remembered his blond hair, always bleached in the summer (his head looking like a light bulb), his tanned skin and crooked legs. I had remembered his beautiful eyes that were deeper than the colour of an ocean protected by those long, and black eyelashes. I had started reminiscing some of the memories of us, what we had been through together, how we come to hate and then like each other, how we had so much fun, yet so lot of drama. Those memories made me smile. I have kept humming the song that reminds me of him, looking at the birds flying outside. I have thought how stressed I was with my life, and how unnecessary that stress was.
I have once again come to love that leafless tree in front of the block, how the sun was warming my pale face, and I have come to love those memories that had occurred over 10 years ago.
That was when I have realised that maybe I will never be able to turn that screaming voice in my head, that maybe I will have to pretended a lot of times that everything is okay, but I do know that I am happy. And I am happy with my life although there are a lot of things in my life that don’t make me happy.
But those small memories have left such a big mark in my soul, that he has left such mark behind him. And maybe I don’t love him anymore, and he is happy with a girl of his dreams, I know that those memories of him have turned down that screaming voice in my head. Because maybe he isn’t here, but the memory of him still gives me comfort that I need in the darkest times.
I know that I am not behind others. I am also know that I am not worse than others. And that others are not worse, nor behind me.That I don’t have to feel pressured about being socially accepted, that I don’t need to start a family right away, I don’t have to know what exactly I want to do with my life, and I don’t have to be with someone for the sake of it, I don’t have to love or be loved to fill the emptiness because I was the one to create it. And I am the only one who can destroy it.
I know that I walk through life in my own pace, and when the times is right, all the pieces will fall into place and I will have a clear picture.