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I have lost myself.

It is hard to fall in love with somebody else. It is hard to learn to love once you have loved one person for a long time.

Whenever I went on a date I had already known it is not going to work out and I will be fine with it.

I sometimes envy some of my friends who are in relationships. Because I am still dating. And my dating period never lasts more than a month.
Sometimes I just think how I should have settled down a lot earlier as I am starting to become a leftover woman. I am becoming a woman is now over 25 years of age and does not even have a boyfriend.

I am weirdly fine with this. I am fine with being single, and I am fine with not being married nor having kids. In fact, the idea of being married or having kids makes me want to vomit. Yes, I might have some commitment issues. And yes, I get weird looks when I say it out loud. Because how a woman can say that the idea of a marriage or having kids put her off? But it does it to me. Even the thought of trying to commit to someone and become ‘one person’ with the other human being scares me.

Relationships scare me. Loving and being loved by someone scare me, too. And it is a fear that is hard to let go because it stops you from falling in love. And that person can be the most caring and genuine but it just doesn’t work for you. The words ‘I love you’ make you want to run away and never see them again. Cuddles make you shiver and not in a good way. Gentle kisses make your stomach twist in knots like before some sort of school exam.

I envy my friends because they make it look so easy to love someone and to accept someone else’s love. I envy my friends because they can overcome their fears and they just go for it.

I am a nearly 27 year old woman who may be considered a leftover woman who is playing games until late night on the PlayStation or reads books until her eyes give on her.

I forget that I am getting older and I do feel like I am still the same 20 year old girl with no worries in life.

Sometimes the reality hits me hard and makes me realise that maybe I need to hurry up and marry myself off. Because loneliness can also be scary.
How ironic is to feel scared of commitment but also to be scared of lonliness?

Because I feel lonely. A lot of the time, that is why I play games with my online friends. It stops me from thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am so terrified of being with someone and being in a relationship. I often ask myself a question if it is normal to be happy when you end your fling? To feel relived that it is over and you don’t have to be emotionally involved with someone anymore? That this is all over and you are free again. You are free but yet alone.

But for tonight, I am holding on to my fears and live with them because if it’s hard for me to battle them, I may as well embrace them.

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cooking

Chicken Curry.

I have finally sat down after a very busy day today.

Well, it hasn’t been that busy but it surely seemed like it because I only got up around noon time. (always happens when someone disturbs my sleep; I am looking at you, Mum).

I had my driving lesson and I must say I am finally pretty confident with my driving abilities and hopefully I am going to pass my test real soon.

Today’s post will be a recipe of homemade curry that I had been making for ages. Please don’t ask what type of curry it, it is just a curry. I usually go with the flow.

Prep: as I am cooking
Cooking time: 45 mins (max)
Portions: 3 females (we don’t eat that much!)
Spicy level: unfortunately not spicy  at all (I am looking at you again, Mum)
Level: easy to cook (if I can cook it, anybody can)

Ingredients:
2 chicken breasts (chopped)
1 white onion
1/2 red onion
1 and 1/2 red peppers
2 garlic cloves
cardamom seeds (3-4)
coriander
rice
salt
pepper
turmeric
cumin
marjoram
soy sauce
naan bread (I haven’t made those but bought them instead)

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I have prepared all the ingredients so when I am making it, I won’t miss anything.

20170103_180555 I need only a wok pan for the curry and normal frying pan for the chicken.

20170103_180718I have chopped 2 chicken breasts and used 1/4 of tea spoon of salt and black pepper and marinated it in soy sauce. I have put it on the side to marinate for a while so I moved on to preparing vegetables for my curry.

20170103_181059I have heat up a frying pan with vegetable oil (don’t put too much because it’s going to be too oily).

I have then chopped 1 and 1/2 red peppers (you don’t have to chop them small, it is up to you and how you prefer it, I have medium chops). I have then placed the peppers on the frying pan and added filtered water (our water supply is awful so we always use Brita filters). I have then covered it and let it steam.

My next step was to prepare the rice. I have added 2,5 cups of rice and 4 cups of water. Make sure you wash your rice before cooking it! 

I have then turned my rice cooker on so I could have gone back to cooking rest of my curry.

 

I have then chopped 1 white and 1/2 red onions and added it to my peppers. I have added some more water, covered it and let it slow cook again. Remember, small fire.

20170103_183046It is finally the time to cook our chicken on the other frying pan.

Whilst the chicken is cooking, I have started preparing spices I was going to add to my curry. ( 1/2 tsp marjoram, 3 cardamom seeds, 1 tsp cumin, 1tsp turmeric, and 2 grated garlic cloves) I have then I have mashed it all together.

20170103_182936I have added to the vegetables chicken broth (I have chopped it into 6 squares) and I have added a pinch of salt and black pepper. Cook it for another 5 minutes or so.

 

After the chicken is cooked, add it to the vegetables. Add all the spiced and let it cook for another 10/15 minutes.

This is the naan bread I had bought and I have cooked in the pre-heated over (180 degrees) for 8 minutes.

20170103_183956Rice is ready and fluffy. How I like it.

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I have cooked my curry for 15 minutes and added some coriander and let it cook for another 5 minutes.

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Now everything is cooked and ready to eat. Like I have said, this curry is not spicy, you can play with salt and pepper. We don’t eat too salty in our house so I didn’t use much. However you cook it, it is totally up to you.
If I were cooking for myself only, I’d be breathing fire cause I’d add chilli paste and chillies.

If you make it, let me know how it went and how it tastes like. I do recommend adding chillies for the spiciness. 

 

This is another beautiful day from my life.

Inspirational quote of the day:

“…no one is born a great cook, one learns by doing.”
Julia Child, My Life in France