I have lost myself.

It is hard to fall in love with somebody else. It is hard to learn to love once you have loved one person for a long time.

Whenever I went on a date I had already known it is not going to work out and I will be fine with it.

I sometimes envy some of my friends who are in relationships. Because I am still dating. And my dating period never lasts more than a month.
Sometimes I just think how I should have settled down a lot earlier as I am starting to become a leftover woman. I am becoming a woman is now over 25 years of age and does not even have a boyfriend.

I am weirdly fine with this. I am fine with being single, and I am fine with not being married nor having kids. In fact, the idea of being married or having kids makes me want to vomit. Yes, I might have some commitment issues. And yes, I get weird looks when I say it out loud. Because how a woman can say that the idea of a marriage or having kids put her off? But it does it to me. Even the thought of trying to commit to someone and become ‘one person’ with the other human being scares me.

Relationships scare me. Loving and being loved by someone scare me, too. And it is a fear that is hard to let go because it stops you from falling in love. And that person can be the most caring and genuine but it just doesn’t work for you. The words ‘I love you’ make you want to run away and never see them again. Cuddles make you shiver and not in a good way. Gentle kisses make your stomach twist in knots like before some sort of school exam.

I envy my friends because they make it look so easy to love someone and to accept someone else’s love. I envy my friends because they can overcome their fears and they just go for it.

I am a nearly 27 year old woman who may be considered a leftover woman who is playing games until late night on the PlayStation or reads books until her eyes give on her.

I forget that I am getting older and I do feel like I am still the same 20 year old girl with no worries in life.

Sometimes the reality hits me hard and makes me realise that maybe I need to hurry up and marry myself off. Because loneliness can also be scary.
How ironic is to feel scared of commitment but also to be scared of lonliness?

Because I feel lonely. A lot of the time, that is why I play games with my online friends. It stops me from thinking that there is something wrong with me because I am so terrified of being with someone and being in a relationship. I often ask myself a question if it is normal to be happy when you end your fling? To feel relived that it is over and you don’t have to be emotionally involved with someone anymore? That this is all over and you are free again. You are free but yet alone.

But for tonight, I am holding on to my fears and live with them because if it’s hard for me to battle them, I may as well embrace them.


We all need a day off.

I was in London over the weekend. When I was on the tube travelling to my hotel, I was looking at the people around me. The whole tube was a mixture of Londoners and the tourists.

Londoners looking bored, living their mundane lives. The tourists were all happy, looking through the maps, probably talking where to go next and how to get there.
But what really made me wonder is how happy are they when they are back home, back to their mundane lives? Are they stressed, do they like their jobs, do they have enough love, do they feel enough happiness?

Those questions led me to question my own life. The life that I love so much but I do not appreciate enough. I often flick through Instagram photos thinking how jealous I am of some women and men looking and living perfect lives. And then I was looking through my own profile thinking my life also looks the same way as theirs, I am just in a different situation. I have photos of myself with my friends, from parties, gatherings, inspirational quotes. It looks like I am living my life to the fullest. But am I?

On social media, I am. Snapchat, Instagram… I am feeding off likes, views, comments, wanting for people to notice my life! My perfect life! I have pictures of smoothies, work outs, fun times, or coffee dates.

But then when I wake up in the morning, I am going to my mundane office job, I stress over small things like my life depends on it. I, then leave work at 6pm and come home, and I am rejecting any offers to hang out after work because I cannot be bothered. I am trying not to do a lot over the weekend because I am feeling too tired. I do not drink a lot of smoothies, I lack a lot of vitamins, I often feel dizzy, I am also pale, my hair falls out, and my nails are brittle. I work out couple of times a month paying for the gym membership I don’t even use. I have started studying to be an English teacher abroad however I had stopped excusing myself I cannot afford it anymore. I took out credit cards and I have blown off that money quickly and now I am losing sleep over the money, however I am still spending a lot.

That is the naked truth about me. I  suffer from stress, anxiety, and I have become anti-social. I always plan my life ahead and not fulfilling any of the goals I had set myself.

So I needed a day off. A day off from my life, spending half a day in bed feeling sorry for myself ,and crying my little heart out.
And then it hit me… What am I actually doing?! I am feeling sorry for myself? But for what? For having a good job? For my stupidity when I was younger?
We live, and we learn. And I can learn from my mistakes, I can plan my spending better, and close the accounts I have with credit card providers. I can start learning a new routine with the healthy lifestyle. Force myself to accomplish those goals.  I can start afresh!
I am young and single! I have so many possibilities so why am I not living the dream? Why am I being so lazy to the point I start to avoid my own friends, and family?

So I’ve had an epiphany in my bed. I got up, I cleaned my room, and changed my bed sheets. I have also made myself coffee and felt the inner peace. I have realised I cannot blame anyone for my failures, I cannot excuse myself and my own behaviour because of my hypothyroidism. I cannot be miserable and lose my youth over stress.

Because work passes and no matter where I work, it will always be stressful and bad at some point. But I do get to go home at the end of the day. I have wonderful family who have never failed me. I have amazing friends who are there when I need them.

I have so many people, and things to be grateful for. I have a lot to learn in life, but I think the most important thing is that I learn how to live my life.

So I have got up this morning, I had my day off, and I am ready to live again.



When a baby is born, it doesn’t know what is ahead of its life. When this tiny life is brought to its life, this baby is covered in safe cloud of innocence and freedom. Its beautiful little cries, and smiles, safe in mothers arms, is not aware that one day it will be stripped from its innocence and will face making choices.

As we grow up, we make mistakes. Numerous mistakes, and it is always up to us whether we decide to learn from them, and not repeat them. We also meet all kinds of people on our path, and those people sometimes stay with us, and some people sometimes leave. We go through periods of ages, trying to identify ourselves, find what we are always looking for, and always meet expectations, whether they’re others’ or our own. We set the bar high and we are always trying to jump over it and set it even higher. We put so much into our lives that we simply forget to… breathe.

I have recently started reminiscing my past.I have started thinking of all the the moments that had happened and how some of those things led me to where I am now. And I am not only talking about my own choices, but also other people’s choices that had had a huge impact on my own life. And that is when I have started thinking ‘but what if…?’.

Those thoughts were not pretty. Those thoughts often led to me endlessly crying into my pillow at night. ‘What ifs’ have made my life a battle for the past few weeks, given me constant headaches, no sleep, and stress, and most of all made me neglect my ‘now’.

I kept thinking about how instead of handing something to my late grandmother, I threw it to her disrespectfully, and I remember my mum telling me off. I don’t know why this particular memory has struck me but I remember crying so much and regretting what I had done. I also remember my grandmother comforting me and telling nothing has happened. To this day, I still regret throwing it at her, but what would have happened if I didn’t?

Another time when I was a moody teenager, my mother asked me to take our dog for a walk. I was so angry that I had to do it, I tried to chase her away from me, throwing sticks at our beautiful dogs and just breaking down in tears thinking to myself ‘what am I doing?’, but my dog still came back to me and loved me and comforted me knowing i was not happy. I regret doing this and thinking ‘what if i didn’t do this?’.

I remember having those arguments with my mother and saying all those hurtful things and thinking ‘what if i didn’t say those words to her?’. I still say some hurtful words to my own, amazing mother who gives me unconditional love and think to myself ‘what if I was a different person?’.

I remember not visiting my own father too often even though we lived so close. And how much I regret not making effort to visit my own father who gas gifted me with this life. ‘What if I made an effort?’.

I remember my own cousin coming to visit my on a holiday, and not taking him to a party for his birthday because I was sulking. ‘What if I just put my own selfishness aside?’.

I remember being back home for winter break from college and saying that I will visit my great grandmother next time I’m down. Couple of weeks later, she died.  ‘What if I visited her?’.

I remember saying all those hurtful words to the boy I loved so dearly. All those words that would hurt any young teenage boy. He got married to someone else yesterday. ‘What if I was actually nice to him and told him how I was feeling?’

There are many more moments, stories that filled me up with so much regret. Those moments break my heart into pieces. But those moments shaped me to be a different person today. Those moments taught me to be a better person, and to work on myself. To visit and speak to my family often because you only have one family in our lives. And time is ticking. Nobody is ever around forever. People come, and people go.
I have also realised that I cannot change the past and the choices I have made. Because yes, I have made those choices and every single of them was stripping me of my innocence, shaping me in a way, leading to a certain path in my life.
If any of those things would have happened differently, I wouldn’t be sitting on my bed right now, sipping a cuppa, taking a breather.

Because I got up yesterday and I have decided enough is enough. That I have to start being alive, to start breathing deeply, to respect and love more. I know I cannot neglect my ‘now’ and forget my ‘future’ because of the past. Past stays in there, and it can’t creep up to you if you don’t let it. If you learn to let go, if you just stand still for a moment and breathe. That is when you realise you are free, and that innocence is still there in you. It’s never completely gone, we just have to dig deeper for it, but we find it eventually.

Whatever is the future going to bring me, I’ll accept it with open arms. Because I know it’ll all be based on my choices. How my ‘now’ is shaped by my past, that is how my ‘future’ will be shaped by ‘now’.

So let’s live, laugh, sing, dance and love!



Rejection doesn’t always hurt.

I have got my closure. After so many years, I have finally got a closure and I can finally be free.

I have actually spoken to him months ago, after ignoring him for a long time. It isn’t like he actually bothered to make an effort to talk to me, either.

However, I have finally decided to speak to him and hear the truth. From his mouth.

When I told my friends what I was planning to do, they weren’t sure about it. They thought I was crazy and I am only going to hurt myself but deep down, I just had known all along, I needed to hear the words of rejection. And I was well aware they would hurt me, break me, and I would cry. But sometimes you have to be broken, to piece yourself back together. And that was definitely the time to break myself.

I have messaged him one evening, that was back in February or even March. I have only asked him to meet for 10/15 mins as I would like to speak to him. He replied, very quickly. Of course he has agreed to meet me. I was his friend, after all.

So we have met and it seemed like we never stopped talking. Like nothing has changed and we were still great friends. I have drove him around the area where I live although he was hesitant at first. We were having a catch up. I knew then I have missed my friend and I wished so much that my feelings for him were different. I wished so much I didn’t have to do that. That I didn’t have to ruin our friendship.

We were talking for hours, as per usual. About everything and nothing. And so many times I have thought how I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should just quietly stay by his side, as his friend.

But then I have started thinking about my own feelings and how this friendship wasn’t enough from me, how I wanted to have more, and how I just couldn’t date anyone nor move on from the feelings I had.

So I have told him everything. Well, in m head it played out completely different. In my head I didn’t stutter, and told him all my feelings like some bad-arse. In reality, I had hid my face from him, I couldn’t look at his face, and I stuttered at lot. Nonetheless, I have told him how I felt. How I was in love with him for 3 years and that wasn’t just some crush, that I have fallen for him and I couldn’t be his friend anymore because that friendship wasn’t enough for me. After I’d finished telling him, I asked him to reject me.

And so he did. He told me how he treasures me as a friend but he doesn’t share my feelings. And how that he will always see me as his friend but he isn’t in love with me.

I have said my goodbyes to him and told him that when I am finally ready, I will come back as his friend. I came back home and cried. I had cried for hours, until the early morning. Finally tired, I fell asleep but when I woke up few hours later, I have felt better.

It has been 3 months and it is rare that I think of him. I have started dating and talking to other people. I feel more free, and my heart is more settled. I feel like I am moving on and my feelings have faded away.

I miss my friend but I know that we can’t go back to where the things were before. Because my feelings will come back and I don’t wish to be stuck in the limbo again.

I am free, and I am finally happy.


‘I don’t love you’

It takes one dream, one thought, one song, for everything to come back to me. And those dreams and thoughts occur a lot more often than I would like to admit.

My questions is:
When does one forget and move on?

3 years is a long time to think about one person. It is a long time to love someone. It is also a long time to be stuck in one place without being able to move on.But is all in my head? Is it all my imagination? Some weird, twisted comfort zone?
Because how can you still love the same person for so long without being loved back?
Is it because I cannot get hurt? Because I know loving him won’t hurt me anymore?
I am in sort some of limbo state where I am just existing without being able to move forward.
I feel like I am locked in the room with no locks. Like there is no way I can escape. And this is how my head and heart feel.

Deep down inside me, I know this is all wrong and I should be able to move on from that person. But I have never really got a closure. I never really heard the words ‘I don’t love you’. Those were the words I only every wanted to hear. Some girls want to hear they are loved and adored. I just wanted to hear that I am not loved so I could easily move on.

But I never did. Although I have asked. I have asked about feelings, liking me, but I never, ever got a full answer. So I just stopped talking. It has been 6 months since I have not spoken to him. And he never really bothered to me make an effort to speak to me either. That should speak for itself. ‘I don’t love you’.

But it doesn’t. Because our friendship was meaningful, because I knew what he is like and that is why I didn’t complain to him. Because I knew we had something there and maybe it was a lot from my side, there was also something from his. What it was from his? I still don’t know.

I cherish all of my memories I had made with him, and all those monthly meetings, all our conversations that I still replay in my head. I miss all those.

And even though right now I am sitting and thinking of talking to him, I know I cannot do it. Because if I do, I’ll never be able to get out and I never really got over him. But I feel like I need a closure, from him. So I can finally move on. So I can finally set myself free. I feel like there is nothing more I want  than to hear the words ‘I don’t love you, I never have’.
I know that with those words I would finally be at peace and truly happy.




And we light up the sky.

It is when silence surrounds us, we come to realise things. It is when we start thinking, we come to know the truth. The truth that we always deny.

Humans often don’t want to admit they were wrong, and most of all, they don’t want to admit that it was all in their heads. We are weird like that. We keep lying to ourselves and pretend that everything is okay. We convince others and ourselves that someone loves us, we have a great job, we are happy in a relationship, we don’t argue with parents, we have money, we live our lives to the fullest.

People have different coping mechanisms. Some lock themselves down and strain from any contact with anybody, some keep themselves so busy that when they finally go to sleep, they don’t have to think and fall asleep, sleeping through dreamless nights.

We often watch the clock wishing the time would go faster. Then we wish the time wouldn’t go as fast and it could just slow down. Other times we simply wish to go back in time. We live through our lives, ageing slowly, panicking about the time. Thinking how it’s running away from us, slipping through our fingers. When we realise we haven’t done anything with our lives, or we have done something that we now regret. How we do the job that we hate, how only we had gone for one holiday in 5 years. How we live our mundane lives every day, every night, feeling the monotony of it.

There also come a pressure of other people succeeding more than we do, having a family before us, joining the university late in the years where we thought we were too old but they did it anyway, going on holidays few times a year, buying better clothes, having more money. We end up thinking how others have better lives, how can they live that. We often ask ourselves ‘why can’t we have ‘that’ life?’.

I stood by the window today and whilst I was waiting for the kettle to be ready, I looked outside the window. The silence surrounded me and it felt good. The whole flat was still. There were no cars outside, no birds chirping, no neighbours talking. It was just myself and silence. That is when I have started thinking about my upcoming birthday. How I am going to be 26 this year. But instead of thinking ‘what have I done with my life, why am I still single, why am I like this, why am I so behind?’, I have started thinking about silly song from my teenage years, and my first love. How I had loved that boy, how I struggled to cope with every day life because he didn’t love me back. I had remembered his blond hair, always bleached in the summer (his head looking like a light bulb), his tanned skin and crooked legs. I had remembered his beautiful eyes that were deeper than the colour of an ocean protected by those long, and black eyelashes. I had started reminiscing some of the memories of us, what we had been through together, how we come to hate and then like each other, how we had so much fun, yet so lot of drama. Those memories made me smile. I have kept humming the song that reminds me of him, looking at the birds flying outside. I have thought how stressed I was with my life, and how unnecessary that stress was.
I have once again come to love that leafless tree in front of the block, how the sun was warming my pale face, and I have come to love those memories that had occurred over 10 years ago.

That was when I have realised that maybe I will never be able to turn that screaming voice in my head, that maybe I will have to pretended a lot of times that everything is okay, but I do know that I am happy. And I am happy with my life although there are a lot of things in my life that don’t make me happy.
But those small memories have left such a big mark in my soul, that he has left such mark behind him. And maybe I don’t love him anymore, and he is happy with a girl of his dreams, I know that those memories of him have turned down that screaming voice in my head. Because maybe he isn’t here, but the memory of him still gives me comfort that I need in the darkest times.

I know that I am not behind others. I am also know that I am not worse than others. And that others are not worse, nor behind me.That I don’t have to feel pressured about being socially accepted, that I don’t need to start a family right away, I don’t have to know what exactly I want to do with my life, and I don’t have to be with someone for the sake of it, I don’t have to love or be loved to fill the emptiness because I was the one to create it. And I am the only one who can destroy it.

I know that I walk through life in my own pace, and when the times is right, all the pieces will fall into place and I will have a clear picture.